Tuesday, 28 February 2012

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Friday, 24 February 2012

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Thursday, 23 February 2012

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Friday, 10 February 2012

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What do we want?

What do we want?

A cure for diabetes

When do we want it?

Before Easter.

Don't make the mistake as I did

Don't make the mistake as I did.

I met two sisters at a party and asked them where Cinderella was.

The Bank of England Joke

The Bank of England has announced another round of 'quantitative easing', this time printing £50 billion of money.

Keep it up lads; at this rate soon we'll all be billionaires, just like everyone in Zimbabwe.

During one of our lessons

During one of our lessons I asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
"My Dad runs the fire station. He's the station officer." Said Simon.
"Very good Simon. Anyone else?"
"My Dad runs the local prison," piped up Billy.
"Excellent Billy. Is he the prison governor?" I asked.
"No Sir, he's just the hardest cunt in there."

My mum asked,

My mum asked, "Lee, why do you lend everyone money even though they are not your friends?"

I replied, "Because I'm loan Lee."

Hawaii roll.

I put ham and pineapple into a bap today.

Because that's Hawaii roll.

Kurt Cobain

Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born..

He knew.

Thursday, 9 February 2012

My missus dressed up

My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

Or foreplay

I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed.

Or foreplay, as she calls it.

I'm so proud of

I'm so proud of my African pen friend.

He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. Hang on in there mate.

if you yell surprise first.

I've always been told its not rape if you yell surprise first.

You can imagine the terror I felt as I walked into my first surprise party.

"You're coming with me"

After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 woolly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I waddled outside.

Ten seconds later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move.

"You're coming with me" said the Primark security guard

won £500

I won £500 on a radio competition this morning.
The DJ called me and said, "We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air."

"Okay" I replied.

He said, "3...2....1..... Congratulations to Marc, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?"

I said, "I'm going to spend it on air."

Teacher: "Imagine you

Teacher: "Imagine you are in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do?" 

Boy:" Easy, stop imagining."

Harry Redknapp

Harry Redknapp should definitely be the New England manager.

If anyone can lead the Patriots to the Super Bowl it would be him.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Thats got to hurt

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I wanted to get a power-gate for my drive. 

But with gate power comes gate responsibility.

I heard my wife say

I heard my wife say, "C'mon, pick up the phone. I know you're there."

I hate visiting day in prison.

John Terry

John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012.

So he's free to lead his country into Poland. 

Just like his hero did.

If a girl likes you she'll

If a girl likes you she'll show it by never showing it. That's when you really know. It could also mean she doesn't like you at all.

18 pints

My son was sick all over the pub on his 18th last night.

18 pints is a lot for a 6 year old in fairness though.

our anniversary

I always get my wife the same two things on our anniversary.

An excuse and an apology.

one-question survey?

"Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?"


"Great! Thanks for participating."

Monday, 6 February 2012

When you realise

When you realise you know everything, you get your A Levels.

When you realise you know nothing, you get your degree.

When you realise no one else knows anything either, you get your Ph.D.     

working hard at the gym

I was working hard at the gym earlier, pumping some serious iron.

Some bloke came up to me and said, "You're gonna be very sore tomorrow, pal."

"It's alright," I laughed, "I'm used to working on my arms."

"I didn't mean your arms," he winked, "I've spiked your Lucozade..."     

My mate said

My mate said to me earlier "I challenge you to count 86400 seconds."

I said "Fuck off, that'll take me all day!".

Jesus Christ Quote

This one time I got so drunk I woke up 3 days later in a cave!

- Jesus Christ     

My wife claims

My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. "which one?" I replied "James Junior, or the girl one?"

My Jewish friend

My Jewish friend makes his wife walk five steps behind him,

in case he drops any money.     

Follow the blog and get shoutouts

Follow this blog and get shoutouts on twitter

My girlfriend called me last night.

My girlfriend called me last night.

"I'm just sitting here watching soaps, I've got my face mask on, my hair in rollers and I'm painting my nails."

She said, "I swear you're gay."


I got the sack from my bingo calling job. 

Apparently a meal 4 2 with a terrible view isnt the way 2 announce 69.....

John Terry

John Terry rushed to training this morning after finding out they would be evaluating a video of Fernando Torres' misses

Valentines Day...

Valentines Day...

Dinner: £70 

Drinks: £40 

Flowers: £10

Taxi: £30 

Hotel: £160

The look on your face when she says she is on her period: Priceless

"What is it good for?

"What is it good for? Absolutely nothing" wasn't the best song to hear as I got back from the fertility clinic.

How Unfortunate

1 Universe,
9 Planets,
7 Seas,
204 Countries,
809 Islands,
And I Met You...
How Unfortunate

Howard Webb

Howard Webb,really dished out the cards today,

Even Alex Ferguson got one,

Fergie said,"It's madness, Valentines isn't till the 14th".

Man United Fans

Arsenal Fans: We Don't Need Batman, We Have Robin

Man United Fans: We Don't Need Spiderman, We Have Webb

The wife

My wife asked me what would I put in the paper if she died.

I said "car for sale."

50 Cent

What concert costs 45cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

When fat people do sports

Do You want a laugh

My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the pub.

So I've started smoking.

The kiss

As I blew my daughter a kiss at the school gates, one of the other fathers looked at me in disgust. "Are you fucking your own daughter?" he asked.

"Erm... No..." I said, looking very sheepish. "Is it wrong for a father to blow a kiss to his daughter?"

"No," he replied. "But it is wrong for her to catch that kiss and then rub it on her minge."

The snow

I ended up stranded because of the snow last night. It was an absolute nightmare.

I couldn't get to the pub, and had to stay in with my wife, all fucking night.

special occasions

"I only drink on special occasions" 

"What was the occasion?"

"I was sober"

Top idea

I have a brilliant idea on how we can avoid panic and prepare for future snowy weather, let's give this time of year a name that will remind us that cold and snowy weather is a high possibility. 

I suggest we call this period, "winter", who's in?

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Self absorbed

My last girlfriend was so self-absorbed.Didn't even mention me in her suicide note.

Saturday, 4 February 2012

So wrong but funny

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone."Morning!" he said.The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."


A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Friday, 3 February 2012

Shark attack !!!

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.    

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One Pissed Off Pooch !!!

Now Thats Good

How to tell if a girl is right for you: Text her and say "I've lost my phone, can you call me".

If she calls, she's not the one..

Best Line Ever

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: 'Let's get it!'

King Germ: 'No, we must wait 5 seconds!'

It's freezing!

It's  freezing! 2 Jackets, 2 pairs of socks a thick woolly hat & I'm still cold!

Maybe I should put some trousers on.

wife is having sex

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

starship enterprise?

whats in the toilet on the starship enterprise?

the captains log!!

being a millionaire..

I'm exactly three years away from being a millionaire..

This time next year, it'll be four.

knock knock

Tried to tell a dog a knock knock joke,... but he lost his mind and started barking like a maniac before I could finish it.


Batteries for sale

Free of charge

"Wanna hear a joke?"

 said to my housemate, "Wanna hear a joke?"
He goes, "Alright then."
"What's the difference between a toilet and a fridge?"
"I don't know," he said.

"You're disgusting."

loud mouth

This loud mouth shouted at me in the street today.

He said, "My dick is twice the size of yours!"

"Hahaha" I laughed. "You've got a two inch dick..."

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Dogs are Tough

Dogs are tough.
I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

Dirty mind

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet & rub up & down. Yep, that's how you wash a cup.

The Neighbour

I left a note on my neighbour's car asking him to stop parking in front of my house.

I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

Top bike crashes


I try to masturbate once a day for the health benefits.

The other four times are just for me.

Good joke

My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

phone sex

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My wife said she's going to leave me in seven days if I don't stop wrongly quoting tv catchphrases.


Wait for it!



74 killed in Egyptian football match.

Come on Millwall fans, you can best that number!

Very funny cat


I smoke far too many cigarettes these days and it's affecting the kids' health, so I'm giving them up.

Anyone recommend a decent adoption agency?