Friday, 30 March 2012

Will you spot me

Monday, 26 March 2012

A bikini is an outfit

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

The perfect crime

I committed the perfect crime: I put a mime artist in an airtight glass box.

Nobody suspected a thing.

judge just gave me life

The judge just gave me life in an Ethiopian prison...

I should be out in three days.

The police got me a

The police got me a really big bouncy castle for my birthday.

All I had to do was stand on a ledge outside my office.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Top and bottom biscuit

Have you noticed how the top and bottom biscuit in the packet are always broken?

I don't know why they bother putting them in.     

Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.

"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Horny Durex balloons

my sexy neighbour

I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.

"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."

"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"

"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out front."

Dumbo the flying dog

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Goldfish joke

I took my sons goldfish to the vet today but it died just before we got there.

I knew I should have put some air holes in the cardboard box.

you're on a Segway

I saw a woman walking alone in the street last night so I stopped beside her.

I said, "Can I give you a lift home?"

"No thanks, I'd rather walk" she replied.

"Is it because I'm a stranger?" I asked.

She said, "No, it's because you're on a Segway."

New York from the air

booze talking

I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a police woman she looked fit.

Although things went sour when I said, "And that's not just the booze talking either"

Top joke

My girlfriend can never make up her mind. I bought her a lovely gift for her birthday, but then she tells me that we should be saving and that she doesn't want a present. Now she's decided she would like a present after all. How do you undrown a puppy?

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

One angry little pouch

Ouch !!!

International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day. 
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

"It's a boy!"

"It's a boy!"

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

good joke

I've just heard on the radio that the leader of the Monkees has died,

R.I.P. Nelson Mandela.

She wasn't happy

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

Arguing with a Christian is like

Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon.

You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, shit on the board and strut around triumphantly.

sexier with her hair back

I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Top Joke

I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, "How much for a blow job?"

She said, "Thirty quid."

I said, "Can you do twenty?"

"Yeah, okay" she replied.

I said, "Great, here's £600 then."

This movie 'MAY' contain nudity?

Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity? 

Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time.

lick the knife?

"Must you really lick the knife?"

"Sorry, force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though don't they?"

"Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor".

Bolton players

 Bolton players said to be uncertain if they will be able to play football this weekend.

So, no different to any other weekend then.I like this! This is poor.  Edit this

Thai bride

I keep making racist jokes about my Dad and his Thai bride. He finds it really annoying...

And so does my dad.

Treadmill face plant

Monday, 19 March 2012

10 ways to make extra cash on the side

1. Take up dog walking

2. Make your home a movie star

3. Rent out your driveway

4. Give your pet a taste of the high life

5. Become a home tutor

6. Put your pedantry to good use

7. Become an artist's model

8. Join a focus group

9. Become a mystery shopper

10. Become an Avon lady

10 ways to make fast cash

  1. Claim your FREE money making newsletter and eBook today
  2. Be paid for your opinion – online surveys
  3. Pick the best competitions
  4. Earn cash from the money you already have
  5. Get up to £100 for switching your current account
  6. Improve your credit rating
  7. £200 for your broken or old mobile
  8. Cash for old CDs, DVDs and Games
  9. Make up to £200 a month with ads on your car
  10. Make up to £50 an hour having a nice chat

101 ways to make cash part 3

31. CPA = Cost per Action. Apart from filling in surveys people pay for all kinds of other things. Like clicking on links (though you may want to check that you're not participating in click fraud).
32. Posting in Forums: Like hanging out in forums and chatting to other people? Owners of new forums have a problem. If there aren't a lot of conversations going then people don't stop to talk. So they get the chat flowing by paying for posts. So, jump in, start chatting and get paid.
33. Do something silly. The milliondollarhomepage guy got famous for selling worthless pixels on his page. But, because he was in the news/having his 15 minutes of fame people focused on that and paid money for what they would normally have realised was fairly worthless links. Yes, people are stupid. ClickHereYouIdiot. But some of these "stupid" people are millionaires today.
34. Do something more useful and less silly. Find a need in a niche and fill it. People complaining in forums about how they can't find replacement parts for a certain type of car? Find someone who'll make it and be the broker. People complaining about limitations in a particular niche software? Find a programmer to design a solution and start selling it.
35. Have expertise in a particular subject? Write regularly on that subject and give away your knowledge for free. People will bookmark your blog and visit regularly. The money is in allowing companies to advertise their products and services to your very eager audience. There are third partieslike payperpost, blogvertise, creamaid, Blogitive, reviewme, loudlaunch etc., who handle the finding of advertisers.
36. Don't have expertise in a particular subject? That doesn't stop bloggers. Some of them blog on the most mundane things - from what they had for breakfast to how they spent their day. And still the advertisers come. So, don't blog to demonstrate your expertise. Blog to demonstrate your camera obsession and show all the stupid pictures you take everyday. Or blog about breastfeeding your kids.
37. Join the social networking bandwagon, build up a lot of "friends" and advertise (what?!) the hell out of them. Send them to pages where you promote affiliate programs and you could walk away with five figures every month. There are people who make a lot more. More on how to make money with Facebook.
38. Or use tools like Twitter and Facebook to promote your offline activities - like the music you create. The Arctic Monkeys were record label/ talent scout/ music agent free.
39. Sell trinkets to avid users of social networking sites. They love them. Especially shiny ones. Myspace backgrounds, templates, animations,scriptsicons and other "myspace resources" are a multimillion dollar industry. 
40. Writing a newsletter. Building a mailing list is a long term plan and it pays dividends but don't expect immediate results. If your newsletter is good and you promote it well you can collect hundreds of thousands of subscribers (who all get the newsletter for completely free). The more subscribers you have on your list the more advertisers pay to feature in your newsletter.
41. Find something that won't sell, let your imagination run wild. Be willing to think the most outrageous thoughts, the most impossible items to sell. Who would have guessed there'd be an active market for urine. Yes, that stuff you flush away. No, I'm not taking the ... mikey. Start selling youroutrageous item and you may find that a market already exists. For example, you can also sell your hair,. Yes, there's a huge demand and criminals are now raiding hair salons instead of banks! You can also sell your your eggs and breast milk... or rent your uterus.. Don't have eggs, breast milk or a uterus? Neither do I, but there are markets for blood and assorted body parts too.

More ways to make cash

23. Email or phone answering: Be one of the first line support staff manning a company's phone or email answering service. Filter out the easy questions by pointing the user to relevant sections of his manual and escalate those that seem genuine problems. You are saving the company's engineers' time and providing a valuable service - that they pay for. A variation of this is chat help where you actually sit at your PC and text chat to users who've reached a firm's website and clicked the help button. Sometimes a bit of training is involved.
24. Good at web design, HTML, CSS? Create designs (templates) and flog them. You can sell each one multiple times to webmasters who don't have the time or patience to get familiar with the intricacies and quirks.
25. Monitoring Wikipedia/ forums/ blogs for mentions of a particular name, brand etc. A recent expose showed that several Wikipedia entries were being manipulated by a US political party who had several stooges signed up for just this purpose. Wouldn't their opponents want to know each time they're manipulating some facts? Find someone who needs some news "managed" or needs to know when news is being "managed" and get paid for it. You need to be "proactive" as these jobs aren't "advertised" but the fact that they aren't advertised means that others don't know about them, you have an advantage. And there are opportunities in almost every language.
26. Directories: start one. Webmasters pay to be listed in your directory. The better your directory the more you can demand. Niche, hand compiled directories are a million times better than the SERPs dross and both companies and users know that.
27. Filling in surveys. True, there are a lot of duds around but there are still some programs that pay you for doing mind-numbingly dull tasks like filling in surveys. If you aren't fussed about privacy and are willing to disclose all your personal details (or fictional personal details) there's usually someone willing to pay you, From YouGov to Ciao. This - and some of the next few - are called IFW or Incentivised Freebie Websites, more here.
28. Get paid to read email. Why would companies pay for that? Plenty of reasons, not least that a human eye can spot SPAM that even the best program doesn't catch. Even the best anti-spam program has some false positives and some companies can't afford to have any.

101 Ways to Make Money Online part 2

10. Domain parking and type-in traffic: People sometimesThe witch has spoken guess at URLs. If they want a plumber they may try though they've never used that site themselves. Find terms that people may be typing in (see our guide), buy the domain and populate it with ads. There are several ad programs tomonetise your parked domains. Or combine this with the previous idea to buy or similar typo domains to make money online.
11. Drop catches. People sometimes forget to renew their domains and these expire. Picking them up will give you some remnant traffic from sites that link to this domain/people who've bookmarked it etc. In some cases the traffic can be pretty high. Provided you're fast enough to replace the copyrighted content that was there with something else you can make quite a profitable business from doing nothing else but this.
12. A variation on the above. Sell the domain back to the previous owners. Note that you may want to tread carefully and get familiar with the rules for that TLD before you start sending off ransom notes. For example, with ICANN (domains that end in .com, for example) the moment you send the previous owners an email saying you've got their domain and you'll give it back for $10K... you've lost. It can't look like a ransom demand. Be reasonable and read the small print of the UDRP. No UDRP required if you're sitting hostage on or the equivalent at blogger, myspace or other big destination. LOL, watch them kick themselves and sack their web advisors who told them about taking the "dot info" but omitted to mention the importance of protecting the brand by owning the associated myspace directory (and others)! And it costs you nothing!
13. Run a domain management service. Hundreds of thousands of webmasters (or more) have a large portfolio of domains. A lot of them would like the boring bit taken out of their domain management. You can run their DNSes or just a service reminding them when each domain comes up for renewal. Or an automated monitoring service to tell them when one of their domains/sites is inaccessible.
14. Start a directory to list domains for sale. That's what people like SEDOdo. You can get money just for allowing domains to be listed in your directory.
15. If you're running a service putting buyers and sellers of domains/sites in touch with one another you could get money for add on services (like providing escrow facilities). For ideas have a look at what existing domain intermediaries offer.
16. Run a domain research service. Wonder what happens when a manufacturer is looking to name a new model car? Or starting a new range of clothing? They need trademark and patent research but now they also need some domain research. Which of the literally thousands of combinations and misspellings (+ are taken and which do they need to buy? With a few of the free domain tools discussed on this page, here and one or two more - like free DNS tools - and a little time you could provide them a service they'd pay a lot of money for.
17. Start your own country: Whoa! yes, you're reading it right. If you've heard of Sealand (what is Sealand) you'll know that starting your own country is not that far fetched. Once you have your own WhackyCountry you can apply for a .wc (yuk) TLD. Sell millions of domains. Keep some for yourself. Ever wanted a Google.___? 
18. Perform domain services for businesses and then send them a proforma (even if they've never heard of you). Explain that it's free this time but you'll gladly keep acting for them for a small fee. For example, there are thousands of big businesses whose half-wit webmasters/ developers didn't put in a redirect from the non-www to the www versions of their sites (or vice-versa). One entrepreneur made a few thousands just from pointing out to businesses how they were losing hundreds of customers every year who were landing on http://xxx-companyname.comand finding nothing there.
I'll talk about domain opportunities some more on this page when I get a chance.
Buying and selling internet businesses
19. Many sites runs on "auto-pilot". A common price these sell for in site-for-sale forums is 12-24 months' worth of net earnings (silly price, but it's true). Provided you don't mess the site up you can recover your capital in as little as 12 months and then ... sell the site to recover your capital again. Double your capital every year. 100% return. Sack your stockbrokers. It really is a crazy world! How to buy a business.
20. Site flipping doesn't require as much capital and expertise as many people believe. Like property flipping, Making money offline - Buffalo Walking Service, why do only dogs get to have fun?you buy one that needs a bit of TLC. Do it up, then sell it on for a whacking great profit. And, the beauty is you never have to deal with tenants!

21. How about cornering a little market? There areDMOZ categories with grandfathered sites (sites that have been listed for many years) which aren't being updated. If you can pick up a few sites in the same category and merge their content suddenly you "own" that niche. That opens a lot of possibilities as all roads lead to you and if you recommend a product on multiple sites, people are going to think that product is the best and are going to click your affiliate links to make you money.

101 ways to make money online

Finding business ideas:
1. Spend all day browsing Site For Sale forums (like the list we have here) for the myriad ways people earn money online. People looking to sell their sites actually tell you how they make money! Pick one that suits you. Research it a bit, and away you go to start your own business. Or use a search engine to find ways to make money online. It seems so easy that it's almost impossible to find someone who doesn't know how to do it. But why stop at one search engine (SE)? Most people get to less than 1% of the top qualify info they're seeking because they rely on just one SE, don't have the vaguest idea of advanced search features available, and don't know the benefits to be had using specialised SEs, local SEs etc. ). More search ideas.
2. Bundle the two above to tell other people how to make money online. They always want to know. It doesn't matter if you don't know yourself, you can still charge them for it. Trust me, over 90% of the people selling "Learn How To Make Money Online" products just read a few ebooks and now pretend they are experts. Don't go spending money on internet cons promising to make you a millionaire. Here's how to spot them.
3. Be more inventive with your search. Look for small business franchise newsletters. Or for home jobs in your particular niche or hobby. (And check point #2 above for those specialised SEs). You can also go through the appropriate DMOZ categories (examples: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12)
But using "search" is just the start of the game. There are simply so, so many ways. We hope you hang around to find out.
4. Like the guy you can pay to stick a message in a bottle for you and throw it into the sea. He's made tens of thousands of dollars already. And there are several others like him in all parts of the world. They really are cluttering up our waterways. Do you live near a sea or river? Join the cleanup of those bottles and get your council to contribute. 

(Added Oct 2011 - Detailed guide to making money from domains)
5. The dot com gold rush made many millionaires but there's still plenty of money in domain real estate and still some good catches available. A good dot com may be difficult to find now. But there are a lot of gTLDs andccTLDs from the .info to .eu to .tv to to .co and they all present opportunities being discussed in several good forums. Put your thinking hat on, buy a famous word domain for a few dollars and put it up on the domain selling sites.
6. Lost your thinking hat? Hang out at SEDODNForurmsAfternics and other places where domains are bought and sold. Provided you learn enough about the market to recognise bargains you could make a living from just buying existing domains and reselling them.
7. If you're smart you'll run dictionary checks against available domain names and auto-check them against search volumes (using OST,Wordtracker etc.) for that term and Pay Per Click (PPC) rates in the major ad networks (example) to work out which ones are likely to be more profitable (how to make money with PPC). If you can pick up the domain for a profitable term that's searched for often you can use a domain parking program. Or post a little bit of relevant content and get a link or two ... and the search engines will start sending you traffic. If the phrase people are typing in coincides exactly with your domain name it gives you a great head start with SEs.

8. If you're smart AND a linguist, you'd be doing that in multiple languages. And not paying for any domain till you've tried it free for five days to see if it does indeed get any type-in traffic (and how well that traffic converts). After you've tried it for five days and dropped it there's nothing to stop you immediately picking it up again for another five day trial. Strange, but true. It's not kiting, it's legal.
9. Misspellings. Massive opportunities still exist in the misspelling/typo market. People trying to get elsewhere land on your site instead ... and you sell them stuff (or use the domain parking idea). Some even tempt fate by making PPC opportunties out of typosquatting on trademarks. Finding typos has never been easier. There are many tools that will find misspellings for you. How easy can it get?